By MINA AMSO
For many, even young Catholic singles, the dating scene can be ruthless, painful, confusing and downright unpleasant. For others though it’s seamless and easy. In fact, a lot of Catholics have positive experiences that have led to happy marriages. How did that happen? And how did women find their husbands in a wholesome, Catholic and God-centred way?
It began as a long-distance relationship for Cantabrian Catherine McKenzie, who says that while she found her now husband, it took some time before meeting him in person.
“We just chatted about our lives and what was important to us. After we met for the first time. I was in the midst of preparing to go to WYD in Madrid. So, I kept him in the loop of my fundraising and travels. When we met and decided we wanted to spend more time together my now husband started to make arrangements to move down to Christchurch to be with me.”
Lakshini Mendis-David’s story is one that’s similar. It began online, on a dating app called Hinge. In 2021, Mendis-David was in Wellington and her then-match was in Melbourne. The single Catholic was very sceptical about trying online dating again after some “not so great” experiences.
With Covid-19 lockdowns in Australia and New Zealand, the chance of meeting someone was slim to none, says Mendis-David. But then there was Chryshan.
“The first thing that immediately jumped out at me (apart from his good looks) was the fact that the biggest risk Chryshan had taken was to move to Australia by himself.”
Mendis-David as interested. She too had moved to the United Kingdom by herself. After a few messages exchanged and numbers shared, the pair called each other a week later.
“That 20-minute phone call was enough to spark Chryshan’s interest . . . and the rest is history. We did long distance for about five months before we met in person.”
Chryshan popped the question in July, 2022, and the two were married six months later. She admits to being “impatient” at times during her single years, but is “awestruck” at how God’s plan worked and how she met the man she had been been praying for.
“I feel so blessed each day.”
Happy in self
The best thing that helps is the good old cliché that you have to be happy in yourself before you can be happy with someone else. That’s what Christchurch-based Megan Gregory believes.
“Having left my journey towards religious life at 30, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to find anyone suitable. I did keep my eyes open, went on the occasional date, and kept praying. But basically, I just kept living my life, doing the things I loved, and then he turned up,” says Gregory.
Some Catholics are opting for a ‘strict’ courting style – not holding hands or kissing. They say it helps them discern further the will of God in the relationship and keep purity intact.
This includes PM [who chose not be named for this article]. After growing up atheist, PM met a man [also a convert to the faith] in 2020 through a friend group of mostly other converts who were fans of the traditional Latin Mass.
“We ended up having a traditional courtship instead of dating, meaning we kept a lot of firm boundaries including no touching of any kind or sharing intimate words, which helped in my discernment of him as a man, since it cut out all the immediate perks that would attract somebody who wasn’t totally serious about the faith.
The couple spent all of their pre-courtship time at Mass and adoration and in a group setting.
“It really meant we were focusing purely on where God was leading us in advance of our marriage, rather than following our own minds or hearts, says PM.
“In my opinion, a better catechised Church will increase the pool for both men and women, as lack of knowledge and seriousness about the faith is a major factor in mine and my husband’s opinion in why so many men and women are considered unmarriable by the opposite sex.”
On the other hand, Whangarei resident Quita Clifton and her now husband Brad, both were active in Catholic circles, in youth ministry and Mass.
“When we realised the other was interested in each other, Brad was going to ask me out but before he did, I said please don’t ask me out [I’d just come out of a relationship] and I said ‘can we be friends and get to know each other first’, to make sure that what we wanted from a relationship was the same and being the gentleman he was he respected that, so we had a number of chats over coffee [first].”
After meeting up a few times, the pair quickly realised that they were on the same page on family dynamics and history, past relationships, values, marriage and kids. Their courtship had a few ground rules though.
“No kissing. Holding hands only. I had come out from a physical relationship and if you know the five love languages, physical touch was one of mine, [but in this case] I wanted to know him as him.
“We hung out with flatmates and one of our couple friends who were married. We made a point during this time to read a book together – First Comes Love by Scott Hahn, which goes into God’s covenant with his people and his great sacrifice for us. The love of giving his all in death, and that marriage is a covenant/oath/promise we make before and with God.”
She says the book was a perfect marriage prep tool, a way to understand what sacrificial love is in the context of God’s love and marriage.
“We would finish our weekend with each other with Mass at the cathedral and dinner out with other, often but not always, young adults who had been at Mass too.”
“Brad and I were very aware that until we were before God in a church making our vows, we were not each other’s but God’s, and so having boundaries in place like no physical contact, no staying at each other’s flat where possible. [We also] hung out with specific friends.”
She says this meant that if God turned and said “I want you to enter religious life’, the pair were free to do so without extra bonding needing to be broken.
Carmel Ann Malone found her now husband in the old-school way, at the local Catholic Social Club in 1974.
“They were purely social clubs specifically for Catholic singles [any age]. There was one in each of the four main centres. Before I moved up to Auckland, I attended the Christchurch one too. So, I guess they had been around since the 1960s maybe,” she said.
“A few people found marriage partners like me. Others just wanted to socialise. There were a whole range of activities, but something every weekend like films, house parties, restaurant dinners. I met my husband on the very first occasion I attended. Also, his first time as well. He said he fell in love with me at ” first sight”. So, I guess that was ‘a match made in heaven’, she laughed.
“We were married almost seven months later. As they say the rest is history.”
Being happy with who you are, enjoying your life, and embracing the journey you’re on right now seem to be major threads running through the stories above. The bottom line is: stay focused on your personal growth and relationship with God, and leave the rest up to the man above.
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