by MINA AMSO
In today’s digital age, the widespread use of pornography has become a serious problem affecting both men and women, inside and outside of the Church.
Dr Peter Holmes, a lecturer from the University of Notre Dame in Australia, with extensive qualifications in theology, Scripture, masculinity and sexuality, believes that addressing this problem starts with open and practical discussions.
The former marriage counsellor was in Auckland last month speaking to dozens at a conference in Holy Family Parish in Te Atatu.
The Role of Parents
When it comes to sex and pornography, it is the child who decides when, where and with whom they want to talk, and it has to be a conversation, not a lecture, said Dr Holmes.
If parents approach children about sexual things before they’re ready, the effect can be damaging. It is an infringement on their psycho-sexual development.
“What’s ideal is that [children] are able to approach someone they feel comfortable with, in the context they feel comfortable, and the person they feel comfortable [with], and they can ask the question,” Dr Holmes said.
“Now that means, as a parent, you’ve got to be available to them for starters, and you’ve got to stop and listen and use the teachable moments, because when they ask questions, they’re most open to the answers.”
Talking to children about sexuality and pornography is a delicate exercise. How do you know when is the right time for your child? Dr Holmes, a father of eight children, jokes about not knowing the answer to that himself. When the child asks questions, stop and answer them, he said.
“Doesn’t matter if you’re going to be late for something. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got other deadlines. There’s nothing more important than your child and their development. Stop and answer them. Spend the time with them to very carefully explain.”
The answers need to have essential truths. He gives an example.
“Why am I not allowed to go into my sister’s room, Dad? Well, there’s a difference between men and women, and those differences are wonderful and beautiful, but they shouldn’t be misused. To respect that, we put certain boundaries around so that we guard their dignity and privacy, and allow them to have that space for themselves to do that, and you have your own space.”
Positive Discussions
Dr Holmes, who was raised in a Brethren family before becoming a Lutheran minister and later being received into the Catholic Church, grew up in a culture of shame around sex. It was unhelpful, because it didn’t allow open and honest conversations about sexual desires and feelings. He said that people should be helped, not shamed.
“This particular addiction is actually a chemical and psychological addiction, which needs to be treated as such, and people need to be assisted in freeing themselves from it. And if we shame them, and just shun them, then we’re not teaching them that we’re open to helping them to become healthy.”
He argues that society’s prudishness and avoidance of positive conversations about sex have created a void, allowing unhealthy views of sexuality to be filled by pornography.
“I think we’ve created a culture sometimes in Christian churches where no one wants to talk about [sex and pornography], and therefore the poor child who wants some kind of guidance on how to cope doesn’t have anywhere to go.”
Dr Holmes turns to the Scriptures, particularly the Song of Songs, for light. The book is an erotic poetry about the anticipation, joy and excitement between a man and a woman on their wedding day.
In Jewish traditions, especially in the Shabbat tradition, the Song of Songs is read aloud in its explicit form, within the family setting, each week.
“And you’re thinking what? How do the kids cope with this? Well the kids are much less prone to being tempted by sneaky abuses or manipulators or people grooming them or pornography grooming them because they’ve seen the genuine thing, and they know where it’s proper place is, and they know how wholesome it is when it’s in its proper place,” said Dr Holmes.
He added that there’s a responsibility in the Church to speak positively and joyfully about spousal love in its proper place. By doing so they reclaim the discourse in a positive manner.
Pornography is a lie
Porn turns people into self-centred sensationalists, Dr Holmes said.
“There are more and more young men turning up to Sydney hospitals with impotence at the age of 20, because they’re so addicted to pornography they are literally incapable of intercourse. Because they cannot physically respond to a normal human person. It is profoundly damaging.”
Pornography is a lie about God, it takes everything and gives you nothing.
“[It says] I can use other people, I can take what I want for my gratification from other people, and it teaches me that this is the norm, Dr Holmes said.
“We have a natural inclination to want to love, to give of ourselves, to love and to receive, and we have natural hormonal responses in our brains and our bodies; we respond to such things in a powerful way.
“When that’s channelled through porn, we’re actually teaching ourselves to use other people for that gratification. That profoundly, deeply, poisons our masculinity. It makes us not capable of being self-giving lovers. Self-giving friends.”
Instead, human love is supposed to be modelled on Christ’s spousal love [for the Church], Dr Holmes said.
“If I teach my brain and my body to respond to pornography, not to a real woman, then I have actually undermined my capacity to be a normal human person to you, to everybody else around. I have poisoned my spousal capacity.
Dr Holmes urges open discussions on pornography, empowering parents to guide children towards healthy attitudes, reclaiming truth, and fostering genuine, self-giving love.
To know more about Dr Peter Holmes, email him at [email protected]
Photo: Unsplash
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