By MINA AMSO
Getting married these days to a tall dark handsome Catholic man seems to be a very long stretch for some Catholic women. In fact, it is an idealistic, unrealistic dream for some. Why is that? Where are all the men? Is it that men are too afraid to approach women? Is it that women are not receptive to men? Is it that Catholic men are nowhere to be found in the pews of the Church?
Recently, NZ Catholic ran a story highlighting this subject (NZ Catholic, October 22) with the women’s views highlighted. We’re now delving into what the guys think.
Why is this so troubling for some, why is it an issue? [or dare we say a crisis].
AJ, who chose to keep his identity under wraps, is 20-something, born and raised Catholic. He still practises his faith, and is actively involved in the Church. He believes that there are many underlying problems as to why there aren’t many Catholic men, date-able and ready for marriage today.
First there’s “a crisis of masculinity in society”, second a general “lack of male, practising Catholics”, and third “a lack of understanding of a good way to go about the dating process” for men. If that wasn’t enough, he also believes that men are “putting too much pressure on the act of going on dates”, which could explain “why they’re not even asking women out”, he says.
“While you can go into dating with the intention of finding a spouse, going on dates doesn’t need be this big, daunting thing that we lose sleep over. You’re simply trying to get to know someone better, and discern whether they would be a suitable partner,” says AJ.
Given that there are probably fewer practising Catholic men than women, AJ believes that the question “where are all the Catholic men?” is mostly fair. But here is a big “But”.
“There are still also situations where men are taking women out on dates, but not being given the opportunity to get to know each other over a couple of dates before being told it’s not going to work out. While attraction to someone is important, it is also something that can grow between two people over a couple of meetings.”
Why are there more women going to church than men?
“[A] reason for this is predominantly liturgical, and the rise of feminist thought within the Church,” says Dominic Malgeri, a husband, a father of three and a registered nurse.
Mr Malgeri met his wife 10 years ago during a mission year in London. He believes that there is a lack of good Catholic men out there.
What counts in terms of “being a man” seems to have shifted over the decades.
“What it is to be a man has been lost in the modern world, which I believe is one of the unforeseeable cascades of all that has happened in the modern era,” Mr Maglieri said.
“Because we were based in a more tangible reality where the differences between men and women were obvious, and therefore the roles were defined, not by academic/philosophical writings, but by what needed to be done and what was done.”
Dr Peter Holmes, a professor of theology at Notre Dame University in Australia and an expert in the areas of masculinity and sexuality, says that some of the underlying causes of why young Catholic men aren’t to be seen in churches is that some churches are failing to “challenge men to rise to good works together”.
“A part of this is the problem of a Church devoid of any kind of moral and doctrinal strength, which seeks to imitate the world, or at least tries hard not to offend anyone. Not that men are trying to offend, but men tend to rally to a cause, when work is to be done, or something needs to be fought or striven for. Men are practical, and they love struggling with brothers for a good goal.
“Most modern churches have failed to challenge men to rise to good works together, and to link that strongly to their faith. There are plenty of ways that men could be helping out in their own parishes, helping people less able to do practical things, for example, which would bring them into active service and brotherly fellowship.”
Dr Holmes says the notion that men are lacking in the Church, and that there aren’t enough wholesome dudes ready for marriage, could be based on underlying assumptions that are worth looking at about courtship, marriage and families.
“It is true that the percentage of men and women who attend Mass has fallen dramatically this last 50 years, and this means that there is a very reduced number of candidates for marriage.
“But in the past, Catholics living in small villages often met many [fewer] people in their entire lives than we can meet in a single year in our mobile culture. They managed to marry and grow families, so what is different with us?”
A part of the problem is the “Disney” doctrine of love, he says; that many people base their concept of finding love and forming relationships largely falls on “feelings”, says Dr Holmes.
“Which is that love is about warm fuzzy feelings, or tingles of other kinds, about another person. The kind of romantic feelings, longing or personal attraction that passes for love in mass media, is presented as if that were true love. Reality is quite different.”
These feelings and tingles are fleeting, short-lived and, by themselves, fail to fill our deepest needs, he says.
Not only that, “falsehood of the Hollywood presentation of ‘love’” and social media, combined with the short-term nature of our society, give the illusion that “a white knight (or perfect princess)”, may ride over the horizon at any moment now.
“This leaves people constantly on the lookout for someone new, a new possibility, the perfect future spouse, rather than taking an honest look around at those they know better, and are probably better able to make a rational assessment of compatibility. This false idea of the newness of romance actually undermines the possibility of considering people we know and become friends with, as possible partners.”
He added that the “Hollywood lie” affects who we consider potential spouses. There are “unspoken criteria” of who people, notably young adults, want in a spouse, which are sometimes superficial.
“Sometimes [there are] things they don’t even admit to themselves. Quite a few young men have told me they can’t get any woman to date them if the woman is taller than them, others have other trivial preferences.”
He says that society places unrealistic expectations on men that pushes them away from being faithful. Society doesn’t hold in high regard men who choose to place faith first, service to neighbours second, and success third, says Dr Holmes.
“Our society expects them to be successful, wealthy enough to afford many things, be well established financially, be well-spoken, well-groomed, well-situated, and hold similar views to their potential spouse, before even being considered,” Dr Holmes says.
Dr Holmes brought an interesting point home here: the disregarding of women if men feel their dating experience won’t lead anywhere, or if they lack a “romantic connection”.
“Some men shoot themselves in the foot by trying hard to date someone, and then disregarding them the moment they are not potential partners.
“One thing all of us can do is make and keep friends of both sexes, so we learn to engage with and respect those of the opposite sex, without seeing them all as potential partners. This helps teach us the knack of being comfortable with people of the opposite sex.
“They can also teach us what we are doing right or wrong in the way we treat the opposite sex. These people have friends, or may make new friends, and we know that people most often meet and consider new partners through their friends. If worse comes to worst, you still have some excellent friends.”
Men will respond to the expectations of women; if a woman wants a devout Catholic man to marry, she needs to “affirm and build up” the man who is devout, says Dr Holmes.
“The reason men spend so much time in the gym, or work so hard at careers, is that this is what women actually applaud and reward them for. Women say they want other qualities, but they consistently give attention and applause to those things, over the more important qualifications for a good man.”
So where do holy men come from? How are they made if there’s such a thing? Dr Holmes says that “good mentors, strong brotherhoods and high expectations, combined with active help” could bring . . . the best out of any ordinary man. Is that happening though? If not, why not?
Regular fraternal accountability, Mr Malgeri says, is what makes ordinary men in the Church holy.
“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another – Proverbs 27:17. We need men to be formed as men most readily receive formation, through challenge and adversity, which is hard to find nowadays. We need to return men’s roles to men, and women’s roles to women, and be okay with that.”
Holmes concluded by stating that the world is full of men that God has created good and for good. What’s is missing is the help and opportunity to become who they were created to be.
Photo: (OSV News photo/Jim Young, Reuters)
The Catholic culture today is slowly evolving thanks to several movements such as Catholic charismatic renewal but also Medjugorje which is moving people into more prayer
and with more fasting (Currently there is only two days of fasting in the church Calendar), so this means a deeper mystical prayer. The effects of this are that Catholics live more
intense lives, but are free of the old Pre-Vatican II power games which led to priestly scandals (you cannot have power masquerading as love), that are derived from clericalism.
It has yet to bring into Communion young adults, and many decide for a civil marriage, as love is the key (we hope) and this continues.
It would be nicer if as it is done in one Croatian town of 25,000 that newly weds began their journey together with their hands over a crucifix, signifying that their marriage is to be
a Christ centered one, and bound in a Sacrament, in a town where there are no divorces, but this is not a general trend elsewhere.
One of the problems is that (as Yves Congar points out in “I believe in the Holy Spirit”) that among priesthood there is a feeling that if it is outside Sacrament (such as C.C.R above),
it is not negotiable. Given the presence of Secular Humanism, one would have thought any mystical influence would enhance Sacrament (“The Christian will be a mystic or not exist
at all” Fr K.Rahner SJ).
The late Cardinal Pell pointed out that if there is nothing there for them youth won’t be at mass.
So this is the crux of the question.
If you want people to fall in love- that’s pretty basic, and you don’t need anything for that. But if you want something more you must have a Catholic culture in place that has a clear
trend within it. It is not enough just to dress up as bride. etc. That happens in civil marriages as well.
It is not all about the cognitive.